Ego Check

Warning:  The following blog will cause uncomfortable silences and feelings to be had - it is not for the faint of heart - it is very vulnerable and intimate - please follow your dcotor's orders before proceeding!

God is giving me a self-esteem boost!  A couple of weeks ago, we went out to eat at this wonderful restaurant called Cafe Hellenique.  We splurged and had an amazing tomato salad, french fries, ground beef steak and a coke for lunch.  I was exceedingly happy to say the least!  On our way out the door however, the server lets Justin (our fearless team leader) know that he could pay for lunch by marrying me off.  To understand in American terms - our lunch probably cost the equivalent of a congolese month's wages.  As Momma Kassie says, "April, you wouldn't just bring in goats for the dowry - you'd bring in cows."  That's a huge compliment - which brings me to the reason for the previous warning.

It is so wild to go from the girl who is not good enough to ask out on a date in America, to being the girl who gets daily marriage proposals!  Coming from two large parents has always been looked upon as pitying in the states.  Here, the fact that I am strong yet fast (and those of you who work with me at Starbucks can attest to this) is looked at as the most valuable assest!  I can carry large amounts of water up from the stream.  I can haul the bag of charcoal for several miles.  I can carry more than one child on my hips.  These are looked at as qualities worthy of a good wife.  The women do most of the hard work around here as you can guess.

Anyone that knows me truly realizes that I have always had self-confidence - belief that I can do anything I set my mind too!  Yet I've never had good self-esteem.  All of those years of torture in school eliminated any semblance of self-worth based on my physical self.  Therefore, I retreated to the one place I could improve and be looked on as valuable by the world's standards - my mind!  No one can argue with my GPA.  However, now with all of this new stimuli coming to the forefront I am having to re-evaluate my belief system.  

Has God brought me here to help me realize that I am beautiful inside and out?  Will I be able to hold my head up a little higher in the states knowing that just because I am not the size of a toothpick, does not make me any less attractive.  Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.  Even though I am built like a linebacker, my femininity comes through my tomboy outfit of t-shirt and jeans.  All those years of people telling me - if only you would wear more make-up and fix your hair differently you might attract a guy - could actually be wrong?  I might be right in believing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made instead of scary and grotesque!    

It's ironic to finally be saying to myself - if they think I'm attractive on the outside, wait until they meet the real April on the inside!  Furaha is my swahili name - it means joy.  I have definitely found a new joy here in the congo - a sense of self-worth!